Forever A Fangirl

(I'm Not) Kicking The Blog Habit (Yet) - 2004 Repost

I published this in January of 2004. I write very differently now, almost never anything personal. Many times the thought crosses my mind to blog but then I think, why bother? If I want to get my thoughts down in writing I have no more need to share them with the universe. On another note, I wrote this before Facebook, before Twitter, before the vast majority of social media was out there. It seems rather quaint in retrospect. 1/2004

Too bad redesigning one's blog doesn't burn calories.
If so, the four hours I just spent doing it would have done me good.

A short, boring list of what I've ingested since the beginning of the Season of Overindulgence, which begins with American Thanksgiving, includes stuffing/dressing, (my) birthday cake, stuffing/dressing, candy, candy, fruitcake, candy (Christmas), booze, cheese, crackers, little sausagey things, cheese, cheese, cheese, guacamole & salsa dip, chips, and booze (New Year's). That pretty well sums up why I feel like crud.

So what's a good thing to do on New Year's afternoon, after having one too many kamikaze shooters on New Year's Eve? My idea of a "good thing" was an attempt to focus on my web page redesign. I use the term loosely, because I'm only a second-tier TypePad member and therefore can only monkey with the design/layout to a point. Colours though--what fun! I can choose any colours I want. So despite feeling very fuzzy, I plunged in. First, I changed my banner. The old banner was a stock pic I found when I moved from Blogger to TypePad, just over 2 months ago. It had been rather a rush job. My intent was to warn anyone with youngsters hanging over their shoulder, that I have some R-rated content here.

Even though at first glance the couple in my previous banner looked perfect, upon scrutiny one noticed that she'd been in the lake fully clothed including her socks, and they were all bunched up and goofy-looking. I like when something that you would think is perfect turns out to have flaws.

I've noticed that other bloggers seemed to going through some changes as well. Maybe an end-of-year ritual purging of the old?

Some bloggers are taking the purging thing to the extreme--they are using the end of the year as an opportunity to kick the blog habit. Yup. They are quitting--going off into the great land of RL.
I say, good for them. Most seem happy about it. Reasons cited include having said all they feel they can say, blogging taking away too much time from other activities/commitments, and blogging having taken on an addictive quality.

I shan't call the kettle black, as the old phrase goes, because I spend a lot of time blogging. I also spend a lot of time doing other things. If I had to pick one activity that I do less of because I blog, it's housework. I've fobbed some of it off on my two kids who are ages 11, and almost 21. The 11 y.o. had chores already, so I haven't given him much else to do--the occasional mopping of the floor, some vacuuming. The older one is on a very short leash right now. In the past, he wouldn't do his share--he did nothing to contribute to the maintenance of the house. He knows now that if he doesn't help, he doesn't live here.

The other activity that I do less of (though I wasn't doing much of it before) is watch television. Because of blogging, I forget to watch what were my favorite shows--and I really don't care, because I'm choosing between passively sitting in front of the tube, versus composing, working on my photography and reading--all on-line. I'm thinking the computer time wins out. Do I goof off on-line? Absolutely. When I'm finished with everything else, I'll go to FARK or elsewhere for diversion.

Well, this has turned out to be a exercise in navel gazing. It's about as good a thing to do with my spare time as anything else.

The Muskie Show or, Fish out of Water (Repost 2004)

Today as I drove into the college parking lot and headed towards the fitness center to go lap swimming, I noticed signs saying 'The Muskie Show.' Hmm, I thought, muskie? The only 'muskie' I could think of was the big, ugly fish, but why would there be a 'show' about said fish?

The lot was jammed with pick-up trucks and SUV's, and on the frigid trek to the fitness center I noticed many folks wearing baseball caps. I began thinking maybe this was indeed a show devoted to a large, unnattractive fish. Upon entering the building and observing that the entire crowd had baseball caps on (part of the uniform of the American fisherman) I discarded my doubts and gave in to the realization that hundreds of people had paid money to go to a show starring an uncomely, untasty, aquatic creature.

Typical Muskie Enthusiasts

The swimming pool and the gymnasiums are on basement level--that's where I was headed and that's where the muskie show was taking place. One has the option of taking the elevator, but I take a narrow staircase. In my haste to get away from the crowds mingling upstairs and into the women's locker room, I failed to notice that the stairs were very slick from all the traffic.

On the second tier of stairs mid-way down, my feet went out from under me and I fell.
I had been grasping the handrail with my right hand, and I don't think I let go as I went thumping down what must have only been about 4 stairs. My left hip took the brunt of the fall and both ankles and my left wrist took the impact of "braking." The hip immediately began to throb. Amazingly, given how many people were in the building, there was only one on the stairs with me. Behind me was an Asian fellow sans baseball cap, so I don't think he was a muskie devoteé. He asked me if I was okay and I quickly responded with an affirmative thank you. At that point I wasn't really sure how okay I was, but nothing was broken, nor was I bleeding, the two criteria that I've always applied to 'Is it serious?,' so I headed on into the women's locker room.

I already had my suit on under my clothes so it didn't take me long to get into the pool. The hip continued to throb, but I didn't feel much else until the third lap (yeah, I count 'em), at which point my right ankle started pulsing in pain. Following that, was my right shoulder which must have been yanked as I clutched the handrail to stop myself from going ass-over-teakettle down the entire flight of stairs.

Fortunately, the lack of needing to bear much weight whilst swimming was in my favor.

My mind was taken off my woes somewhat when I caught sight of a group of muskie fans, rods in hand, on their way to approach the lifeguard. I couldn't hear much of the conversation, but I did hear the word 'ain't' a lot. Come to find out, they wished to cast their lines into the pool! Okay, so there wasn't anyone on the side of the pool that they wanted to play-fish in, but Christ Almighty, don't people have any inhibitions?!

The Muskie-ites stood about 6 feet from the end of my lane for about 15 minutes, playing with their rods and reels and lures and what-have-you. When they were finished, they started on their way, clomping down the length of my lane wearing their big, dirty, shit-kickin' boots whilst the lifeguard scanned the pool to make sure they hadn't left behind any fishing paraphernalia.
I'm nothing to gawk at, but I could feel them taking a good look at my Speedo-clad body, as they made their way to exit through the men's locker room.
My damaged body parts were speaking much too loudly right then for me to consider the notion that they were inbred, redneck asshats.

I managed to complete my workout, relishing the thought of a hot shower, but dreading the thought of the hell-walk through the parking lot in the crisp 20-degree-with-a-wind-chill-of-zero weather.
I came home and warmed up while the hurt parts of my body throbbed with more gusto--both wrists, one elbow, both ankles and my hip. It's a bitch to type. It's worse to walk.

My husband is working tonight, and my son has a video game that he's entranced by, so I'm going to make myself cozy and watch the following film--which somehow I missed on it's first run. I'm intruiged because I've never read of a character in a film described as a 'spunky extraterrestrial.'

120 mins.

A cop (Joe Cortese) and a spunky extraterrestrial (Maryam d'Abo) track a killer alien on the loose. Pilot for the short-lived series. Rick Baker and John Dykstra won Emmys for designing the creature and the special effects. Mandy: Kim Delaney. Frank: George Dzundza. Estabrook: Robert Webber. Victor: Gregory Sierra. Emmy for special effects.

Cast: George Dzundza, Joe Cortese, Maryam d'Abo, Kim Delaney

Category: Movie, Sci-fi

Release Year: 1988

What inspires you in life? What makes you want to reach for the stars and do something truly extraordinary?

The Pacific Ocean in particular and nature in general inspire me. Inspire me to do what? To inhale deeply, to truly savour each breath, knowing they are finite, reminding me to live--and love in the moment. Speaking of "(reaching) for the stars," the heavens in fact, inspire me. I'm not sure what I could do that others would consider 'truly extraordinary'. I suppose I'll know when I get there.

TypePad Conversations » Answer this question!

Yay! Weeds this Monday - Cast Interviews - The Croquet Mallet - Memory Loss with the Cast of Weeds - Season 6 Teasers - Weeds Season 6 Behind the Scenes

Mary Louise Parker as "Nancy Botwin" on Showtime's "Weeds"

 

Seems it is the season of "the Croquet Mallet" on the upcoming Season 6 Weeds.

Just when you thought Nancy and the kids' lives could not be more eff'ed after Shane got winged in the arm by a bullet meant for his mother, Nancy.

It's really hard not to judge Nancy's horribly bad choices in regard to her family and her life in general (dealing, running weapons, assorted other stuff) but she certainly has tought them tenacity and self-reliance. <sigh>

Still, Mary Louise Parker is winning as the ever-losing Nancy Botwin-- widow,mother,outlaw and she has a great cast that help keep Nancy in the game, so to speak. I need to do a little pictorial of her soon.

Aug 10: E!Online Kristen scoop:

Q:So excited for Weeds to come back! I'll give you a high five if you give me the lowdown on the season premiere.

A: The star of the first episode back is, undisputedly, the croquet mallet. Whether it's being clutched by Shane as he explains his murder style to his bro Silas or being used by Nancy in other acts of vandalism...you must remember, this is not just "a stick". It is evidence, and the final scene of the episode (starring the mallet!) eerily marks the beginning of a long road of running for the Botwins. ... SHOWTIME | Season 6 Ep. 0 | Added: July 21, 2010 Weeds Season 6! The Botwins are back for an all new season of Weeds, and this time they are leaving their past behind. New season begins August 16th.

SHOWTIME | Season 6 Ep. 0 | Added: July 19, 2010

Weeds season 6 trailer. The Botwins are back and they're hitting the road. The new season premieres August 16th at 10PM ET/PT.

I Don't Like Labels The Botwins get ready to hit the road.

SHOWTIME | Season 6 Ep. 0 | Added: July 12, 2010

The Weeds cast's memory is tested with trivia from past seasons.

SHOWTIME | Season 6 Ep. 0 | Added: June 01, 2010

Weeds Season 6. The plot deepens August 16 on Showtime.

LOST - Confessions of a Spoiler Junkie - *HUGE LOST SPOILERS* Through S6x16 - Don't Read If You Prefer To Remain Pure

For the Kate haters: She could kick your pasty-white, cubicle-enclosed asses.

 

In seriousness, you probably couldn't care less about Evangeline Lilly but for a model with no acting experience prior to LOST just like Josh Holloway as Sawyer, I think she did alright. She rocked the action scenes. When Holloway ran it looked like he had a load in his pants. Why didn't you bitch about Holloway's acting chops? Because the :ahem: writers gave him some occasionally witty dialogue. What did they give Kate? A craptastic backstory, a three-way romantic dilemma and a penchant for wandering the Island after...usually Jack or Sawyer. Oh yeah. She took Aaron home as a consolation prize.

(Above)  LOST: "Across The Sea" S6x15 - Young Jacob

I can't really tell you if "spoilers" are good or bad. I don't believe they in any way dissuade people from watching a show that they would have otherwise watched. One might guess that interest might be peaked prior to viewing an episode that had been "spoiled." Theoretically, more people might tune in to an episode to find out if what has been said to be revealed, actually plays out.

My experience as a viewer is that it does take some of the enjoyment out of viewing after one learns at least a key point or two about an episode.

As a writer however, it enhances my ability to form an opinion because I've had time to mull it over. In entertainment news/opinion time is of the essence. I don't' have a roster of volunteers at my disposal to crank out an uber-timely post so any help I can get via insider info prior to the show is greatly appreciated.

Just as the LOST Spoilers site owner thanked people on the inside at LOST, seven of which provided leaks about LOST production, casting, filming locations and much, much more, I extend a thank you to him and to his site for the wealth of material they have made available--most of it supplied with only the request that it is correctly attributed (see link).

With that said, the following thumbnails will take you through Episode 16 of 18 episodes of LOST including a major incident in which there are many deaths. If you click the thumbnails you will read stuff that includes who dies through episode 16. People who are truly invested in the show may be quite upset about not only the deaths but other key plot points that are revealed way before we are supposed to know about them.

For my part, I'm pretty bummed about one death, a strong character since the very beginning. I hoped against hope that it wouldn't happen and now I'll be bummed through May. I guess I deserve it for being a spoiler junkie.

One more thing. I have multiple blogs and I've written both here and at The Love You Make which is where my LOST work is currently. Ultimately, I'm merging the blogs. WordPress shall win out over TypePad but only geeks care what platform I'm serving on.

 

Reflective, Conflicted / My Mustang GT

Industrial area building distortion.

Separated at birth?

Sears (now Willis) Tower as seen from the Kennedy Expressway.

The other tall building around here--the John Hancock has the unfortunate distinction of having been the tallest structure in the USA--then it lost it's title to the World Trade Center. I'm guessing I don't have to say more other than the John Hancock Tower is the tallest man-made structure in the USA.

Just a quick homage to my 2003 Zinc Yellow Mustang GT.

I think I took my last top down ride for the year--that was two in the first week of November.

People hesitate to buy a convertible whilst living in a place like here with less than ideal--crap--weather for a good chunk of the year. The answer is a) it's too fun not to, and b) you can do it 7 months of the year.

I love my car for what it is every. single. ride.  A fun machine.

(Repost above from 11/2006)

2.18.10

I realize I don't post _anything_ personal anymore. I remember enjoying interacting with the dozens of people I met online and regarded as friends. Now I think I need to "say something" before I blog and think if I wrote what I feel I'd offend so I self-censor. Conversely, if I don't write what I feel I get no feedback nor satisfaction having gotten it down.

Yes. I suppose I am feeling reflective and conflicted.

True Blood Season 2: HBO Escape the Everyday Sweepstakes Has Started!

True Blood
Season 2: HBO Escape the Everyday Sweepstakes

Click here to be taken to the HBO Escape the Everyday Sweepstakes website.

The HBO Escape the Everyday Sweepstakes information was just put up and in the spirit of promoting the fantastic show that is True Blood and for you to know how/where to win really cool True Blood swag and even bigger stuff (!), I'm sortofborrowingit and then making my own screen cap which of course, is HBO owned. I'm so excited about the return of True Blood. <squee> The stories to come--the great cast and guest cast! <happy dance>

Truebloodnet.com seems to be a great True Blood resource. Certainly a great fan site does what they are doing by promoting HBO's True Blood show and sweepstakes giving away great stuff to True Blood's online fans.

I'm going to sign up and come back and let you know how it goes. Wish me luck!

EDIT/ HBO Escape the Everyday Sweepstakes contest codes:

• VAMP
• HUMAN
• BLOOD 
• DEAD 
• COFFIN 
• NIGHT 

HBO is running the “Escape the Everyday” sweepstakes to promote the return of season 2 of True Blood with a Grand Prize of $10,000 towards HBO, TV service, Internet, phone and so much more courtesy of HBO.  There are also instant win prizes consisting of the True Blood Season 1 DVD, Fangtasia t-shirt, Fellowship of the Sun t-shirt, American Vampire League t-shirt, and True Blood Logo Mug.  The sweepstakes begins May 23, 2009 and ends on July 3, 2009 at 11:59 p.m. ET, so each day you have to login onto the site to increase your odds of winning.

How to Enter: During the Promotion Period, go to www.escapetheeverydaysweeps.com and complete and submit the registration form including a valid home address. P.O. Boxes are not permitted. Once you submit the registration, follow the links and instructions to select one (1) of the three (3) scenes. Then, you can enter the Sweepstakes and Instant Win Game as outlined below:

I. Sweepstakes: Interact with the scene by clicking on objects to locate and collect items (each an “Item”). One (1) Item per scene will be made available for collection each week during the Promotion Period. You will automatically receive three (3) Sweepstakes entries for each Item you collect. You can also obtain up to six (6) additional Sweepstakes entries per day by entering codes (each a “Code”). To obtain Codes, click “Enter Code” and you will proceed to a website where you will find six (6) videos. After you watch each video, you will receive a Code. You will receive one (1) Sweepstakes entry per Code entered each day during the Promotion Period.

II. Instant Win Game: Within each scene, locate the Instant Win Game area of the scene: the table in the bar, the fireplace in the house, and the grave in the graveyard. Click on the objects within the Instant Win Game area of the selected scene to play the Instant Win Game. You will be able to play the Instant Win Game one (1) time per day from each scene for a total of three (3) times per day during the Promotion Period. The Instant Win Game results will be instantly displayed. Potential winners of the Instant Win Game will be provided directions for validation. All potential winners are subject to verification before any prize will be awarded. Administrator is responsible for the functionality of the Instant Win Game.

Limit: Each participant may receive three (3) Sweepstakes entries per Item collected during the Promotion Period and one (1) Sweepstakes entry per Code entered each day during the Promotion Period. Each participant may also play the Instant Win Game up to three (3) times per day during the Promotion Period. Multiple entrants are not permitted to share the same email address.  Only valid in the U.S. Click here to be taken to the HBO Escape the Everyday Sweepstakes website."

APOLLO'S FAMOUS TOWEL SCENE (Jamie Bamber) Goes Naked for PETA #battlestargalactica #towelscene

BEAR HUGS NOT BEAR HATS:

The Famous Towel Scene

Kristen | Myspace Video

APOLLO'S Famous Towel Scene from BATTLESTAR GALACTICA Episode 208: 'FINAL CUT':

"Final Cut," Battlestar Galactica While D'Anna interviews Viper pilots by their bunks, Apollo tries to introduce himself.'

Until now, fans of Jamie Bamber (Apollo On the Sci Fi Channel's Battlestar Galactica) had to make do with the awesome but short clip of Mr. Bamber almost losing his very small towel in a memorable scene from the episode "Final Cut" on the tv series "Battlestar Galactica." No more. In an effort to raise awareness of the plight of black bears killed to make the Queen's Guard's caps--it takes one whole bear to make a single cap--Jamie got naked for PETA. (scroll down)

Read the whole story: PETA UK:

Jamie Bamber has long been a firm favourite on the sci-fi scene, with his ever-exciting role as Lee "Apollo" Adama in Battlestar Galactica. And now he's wooing UK audiences as DS Matt Devlin in the new ITV1 drama Law and Order. There's nothing quite like fighting for justice and helping those in need – and always look really good doing it, of course!

It didn't surprise us one bit that Jamie is like that in real life too. That's why he bared his skin in PETA's newest ad to help save black bears killed for their fur. When Jamie learned how Canadian black bears are killed to make the Queen's Guards' ceremonial caps, the British-born actor jumped at the chance to help. "I initially decided to do the PETA ad because a great friend of mine in L.A., Lucy Davis, had just done a similar ad, and I love Lucy and it was a cause I didn't know about – I'll be honest. So as soon as Lucy opened my eyes, I was thrilled to join her and do my bit."

Originally found at HuffPost.

Aren't you glad it's only virtual trash?

Ah, long weekends. People seem to yearn for them but come time to go back to work lament that they have so much work that they are behind on, often phrased as number of "emails to catch up on."
It's like email has a life of it's own. You've got to catch up on it because it's waiting for you. :)
As for me, I never catch up. I'm happy to get the number of unread emails down to 25 or so. Baby steps are what it's all about. Hitting the delete button is a good option as well as screening your emails so no "Fwd's" make it through.
I figure if I'm not special enough to receive email addressed specifically to me then it's not really important that I take time to read it. And if it was important that I read the email they'll contact me again--maybe personally this time. If anyone gets her nose bent out of shape, I can explain that I use the "forward" filter and it must have gone straight to the trash.
On that note--a reminder. Sometimes your filters are too stringent and email that is not trash gets sent there so it's good to periodically go through your trash just to make sure.
Aren't you glad it's only virtual trash?

Played some mini golf over the weekend:
Mini golf place is bordered by a golf course and a forest preserve. (That is unnaturally blue water.)  

Daylilys at mini golf

Johnny Depp, Stat Counter, and Search

I'm a dedicated blogger. For the 3 or 4 posts you see here in a day, there may be another 6 on my other blogs.

Part of being a dedicated blogger is examining your search results.There are many ways to do this; I use both the one built into TypePad for this blog and an off-site one, StatCounter, to get more detailed results.

The results that I can view include what search terms people used to find my blog, what are the most popular search terms by count, most popular posts, where people came from geographically, what browser they used and much more. And that's just what I get for free! Yeah, they rock.

They also help me be better at what I do (which is write--pay attention!) because by using their services, by crunching the visitor data about Cyn City between both TypePad and  StatCounter I know what is bringing people to my blog. Do I want more people to visit? Absolutely!

"Edward Scissorhands" Johnny Depp, Winona Ryder

The first time I really paid attention to Depp.

So what do I do? Mostly more of the things I'm doing right though I am always adjusting a couple of things that I haven't gotten "right" yet. I reference prior posts, especially if these posts are either popular of I'd like to try and make them that way (for a time anyway--long time is best) whenever I can.

TypePad, would you please hurry up and offer a widget that I can activate which I can use to add the links to my similar previous posts at the end of this post, for example? Thank you!

I also followed up on a subject that is not unfamiliar here, Johnny Depp.

I'd happened to write a little post of JD today because I just found out he's finally marrying the mother of his children in June. Hearty congrats to them and their young children.

That's lovely, but it's also good for my blog and hence, good for me because (you may need to sit down for this) I'm not the only Johnny Depp fan-girl. Ooooh, no. There are plenty of people out there who dig Johnny's mad acting skillz and they do a search, see my blog pop up and click over here. I always try to  reward viewers with new/different photographs, in this case of Johnny Depp, just in case they don't see what their looking for in a post--though I encourage anyone/everyone that enjoys Johnny him to click this: Over 100 blog entries on Cyn City featuring Johnny Depp which is a link to lots of stories/photos of JD, his co-stars, and more of JD and bride-to-be, Vanessa Paradis.

*****This is not a paid piece.

Beware! Meme and Johnny Depp 2008 Ahead!

I blame Broke and Angry for all the time I spent on this. Fun, but time-consuming!

To do this meme:

Go to your search engine and type in your answer to the following questions. Then click on the "image" results and pick one photo from the first page of results.

1. Age at my next birthday (not fair! I just had a birthday!):

2. Place I'd like to travel: Paradise Island

      

                              3. My favourite place:

4. Favourite object(s): (mine is zinc yellow tho')                              

5. Favorite food (I picked holiday food):

         

Pecan pie

6. Favourite animal:

Schipperke dog

This little guy looks a lot like our Raven when she was younger. So much that I'd think it was Raven --but of course, it's not. heh. (Plus, Raven doesn't have boy parts.)

7. What my pet's name is:

I like "Raven's" cape. :)
More after jump...(Click--->)

Not-quite-dr*nk blogging

Finally dove (dived?) in and started a blog of my very own: maplelakeontario.com. (But please do not go there as it's not really *there* yet.) I believe as the years go by I will spend more time on the Lake each year though I've already cumulatively had the pleasure of several years on Maple Lake. :)

I'm only doing the easy stuff right now on the website-to-be. As soon as I have to start adding widgets or gord forbid, modifying something code-like and I get awfully, horribly, terribly stuck I am so asking one of graphics friends since they kindly offered.  :p

I would like emoticons or smilies available on my blog. Not to be over-used--just there for fun (I'm aware that they are not *cool*.) I asked TypePad when they were first starting out--after they'd queried what I wanted to see them add. Four years later, still no smilies at TypePad. :/ Smilies were the only thing good on MySpace--though they were pretty cheesy. LiveJournal isn't much better.

Totally random: Did you hear (Patty said so) that Live Journal was sold off again? At least they got some new templates before being set free.

Finishing the free wine off tonight, Can you tell? It's "Cab" and it's very good, I think. It's just I'm not used to *drinking* so I made a kind of wine cooler out of it and it's good.

Imagini Visual Profile

Read my VisualDNA™     Get your own VisualDNA™

Kind of fun, great graphics, not sure how accurate but...fun doesn't have to be.

Sorry--this is quick and dirty incredibly self-absorbed. I have two active blogs. You should've known that already. :D Guess the stuff that's not like me! :)

Link to test

"Borrowed" from Red Pen  :)

TMI follows:

Being a grown-up is everything they said it would be

I’m quite conflicted in thought about my high school freshman son’s choice to take a condensed version of a “required” class over the summer.

It’s actually two classes, "Health" and "Consumer Education.". Suggested by his adviser,  theoretically, taking classes over the summer would put a kid ahead but that’s not what’s really happening here. Chris now has “made room” for another, most likely, AP class for sophomore year

For fall he has scheduled a class during his normal lunch time though he’ll be allowed to grab a tray from the cafeteria and take it with him to his tailored-for-Gifted-Program-kids class, “Critical Thinking.” Lunch on the run/at your desk—isn’t that how much of the working world does it every day?

This just makes my head hurt and my heart force me to consider if this is how a teenager should live his life. Put in 6 weeks of summer school when you don’t have to?

Part of me—the part that wants him to aim really high and make it? I think its great do this stuff ‘cause doing so might help get a partial scholarship to college (I know, magical thinking).

The other part of my brain is twitching about, worrying that he’s already taking AP classes, shouldn’t he let his brain get the down time of a full summer break?

Plus this really fraks with our summer vacation plans (which come a distant last to his schooling).

Ack! I wanna be selfish!

 

 

 

 

 

Three blogs = Nutz

I am keeping three blogs right now and despite my best intentions I cannot will not give even one of them up.

This is just insane.

Firstly come the "why?"  Why keep three blogs?

I can answer that. At least partially.

We have varying degrees of exposure to which we allow the folks out there in web-land access.

In a way I'm keeping it simple by only having three blogs.

I'm quite sure even though I'm a minimalist when it comes to friends, that  I have more three levels of comfort in how exposed I allow myself to be.

On one blog, I'm trying to be as real as I am brave. I'm brave (and crazy) in many ways yet in the arena of self-disclosure let's just say

that I didn't become a psychotherapist because I wanted to talk about myself.   

(I've discovered that I don't really care much to listen to other people's angst all day too, but that has worked fine because I've moved on from actively practicing counseling (heart failure /resulting permanent disability.)

So three blogs.

Of them this, the TypePad blog is the oldest.  It came on the heels of a one-month stint at Blogger  back in 2003 and that came on the heels of being ejected by a "boy" running a forum that happened to have some great folks on it and who several months later were ejected as well.

I love my TypePad blog. TypePad was created as a collaborative effort of  Mena & Ben Trott whose efforts on Moveable Type , though I was not skilled enough to utilize, I greatly admired for their clean looks and openness to forward-thinking/choices in blog-making.

TypePad was officially just a month old when I made then choice to follow Ben & Mena into was was then their latest venture. It was new, a bit wobbly but the Trott's unvarnished enthusiasm coupled with the powerhouse team that they are clinched my choice.

Immediately, I loved the community feel and the fantastic customer service. I loved the generous and probably business- savvy choice they made in giving give me more bandwidth and storage at no extra charge.

The reason I keep it relatively mild it that I give this address out to everyone. Everyone is a lot of people, including family members, friends, business contacts. Anyone who asks.

Some of my posts have been unexpectedly popular.

Initally, I was looking to build an audience. It was overly successful for mixed reasons. (I'm still sorting through how I wan't to use all my blogs.) On the big positives side, my TypePad site has connected to me to amazing people throughout the world. I have a lot of sentimental attachment here but more practical reasons for maintaining it  as well. It's a blog that I do not have to censor because I don't disclose anything deep and dark here. This blog is for public consumption.

TypePad is the blog whose addy I dispense freely.

I just can't let it all my angsty stuff hang out here but as a paid blog, it serves it's purpose and I still love TypePad  as it still has the golden stamp of Mena and Ben...which takes me to blog No. 2--probably the big surprise in terms of how quickly one can amass friends using a tagging system coupled with the Mean & Ben's blog business smarts.

To paraphrase Mena, in an effort to bring all our families and friends into blogging she and Ben & Co. created a free blogging system called VOX. It's unique in a number of ways (though as in the past I expect to see M & B's  great ideas "borrowed") elsewhere.

<-Very good rendering of me at 3 a.m.

Hotter Than The Hubs

Today was beastly uncomfortable.

It wasn't unpleasant activity-wise--went swimming (lap & play after with the fam); we were going to go to the local 'fest but the weather was ominous--watches for nasty storms--hail--high winds--it was enough for us to go to Prairie Rock microbrewery for dinner instead of walking around an outdoors place with lots of metal rods (tents) and rides.

Appetizers were very good, especially the crab cakes & artichoke dip w/pita bread. I ate too much of the dip though and now I'm suffering for it. I had a stuffed chicken breast for the entree and it was only fair. The service could have been better. I didn't like using the same little plates and the same silverware for appetizers, which also included  buffalo wings (messy) and chicken sticks, and for the (very good fresh) bread and for the the entree. For a place this expensive we should have gotten fresh plates & silverware, IMO. We had fun just the same.

When we came back I wanted to watch Batman Begins on On Demand but we waited too long and they've stopped running it. We caught the last two-thirds of Mars Attacks which is always amusing..

That's about it.

Cheers!

--Cyn

Blogged with Flock

I'm in a period of mulling over what to do with the rest of my life.

The meager disability benefits I've collected since the diagnosis of congestive heart failure most likely are to end soon. In other words, I need to find a job.

My formal training is as a clinical counselor but there are major roadblocks to going back to that work, not the least of which is I'm not sure if I believe in the efficacy of most counseling.

Overall, I've liked what I've been doing with my life and as traditional as it currently is...I'm happy. I look back on the maelstrom that was my life prior to the heart failure and I don't want to go back to that. I won't go back.
I came very close to losing my life. I'm not going to work just to earn a paycheck.
But how do I find something meaningful? And how am I ever going to reign myself in enough to answer to a boss? And with all the medical shite that comes with hiring me (appts. w/ specialists, various tests throughout the year, side effects) why would anyone want me as part of their team?
It's a conundrum, and I'm allowing it to make me lose sleep and overeat and blow off my workouts--so it needs to be resolved.

In that spirit, I'm perusing information on how best to get ones act together. I suppose I'm looking for some help deciding where to start .
There are some valid points to Gordon Livingston's contentions in his new book, "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now," though I do not agree with a statement late in the article that "only bad things happen quickly." I'm not sure I even understand that assertion, but it's been my life experience that bad things can be very long and drawn out, depending on the circumstance(s).

Overall, the review-type article is an interesting read.

I do wholeheartedly agree with the need for a "mute button" on our lives.
I often feel like I'm on sensory overload and it's all I can do to keep it all tamped down.

Also, is past behavior the best predictor of future behaviour, as the author asserts? I'm giving that one some thought as I'm considering a step back into the field of counseling. If ones future acts are predicated on what ones done in the past, then what is the point of counseling?

The heart of what the author argues is that the key to happiness is looking at your life not as it should be but as it is. Only then can you honestly plan your future.

I can see this point. It's not that we should accept our current life situation in a way that there's no movement towards change, but rather if we stay stuck in the wishful thinking mode of things will be different in the future, "if only I do "X," today is going to get short shrift.

....................................
Most of life's heartbreak comes from ignoring the reality that past behavior is the most reliable predictor of future behavior, he says. Good intentions aren't a substitute for good acts. Sweet nothings mean nothing. Just do it.

Source

Psychiatrist spreads word: Look at people's actions

By Roxanne Roberts
The Washington Post January 10, 2005

Quit talking. Stop listening. We'd all be better off with a "mute" button on the soundtrack of our lives.

That, in a word or four, is the essential lesson of life, according to psychiatrist Gordon Livingston. After three decades of hearing people pour out their dreams, disappointments and fears, his single most valuable piece of advice is this:

"We are not what we think, or what we say, or how we feel. We are what we do. Conversely, in judging other people we need to pay attention not to what they promise but how they behave. ... We are drowning in words, many of which turn out to be the lies we tell ourselves or others."

Most of life's heartbreak comes from ignoring the reality that past behavior is the most reliable predictor of future behavior, he says. Good intentions aren't a substitute for good acts. Sweet nothings mean nothing. Just do it.

This lesson is the second essay in Livingston's new book, "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now." Actually, it's 30 things you needed to know when you were young but wouldn't have listened to -- but better late than never.

 

Talk This Way

Some interesting stuff in this article, broaching one of my favourite topics... American English (and other languages, which happened to come up in discussion among family members this past evening, before I read this) and how the way Americans speak it varies depending on several factors. This article goes into that, so I won't elaborate. I should have trimmed the article but just go ahead and skim to the parts of interest.

One of the reasons I enjoy the subject of regional dialects is because I've lived in several distinctly different regions of the US and Canada, picking up bits and pieces from anywhere I live for six years and beyond.

This how it went:

Born: Toronto, Canada
Move to Connecticut, USA, age 6
Got the hell out of CT at 18: several areas in Southern California then central coast of California (south of Monterrey, north of Santa Barbara).
Age almost 25: Chicagoland, Illinois, USA

(Plus an awful 6 months living in the outskirts of Austin, Texas.  Most vivid memory: dead armadillos--they get hit by cars there and you see them at the side of the road. Picture an armadillo though--strange road pizza they got down there.)

So read on and remember, skim to the good parts.

From todays Trib...  Source

''American' captures the way we talk'

By Nathan Bierma

To get a feel for the variety of what Robert MacNeil calls "the great family of North American Englishes," start with the opening sequence of MacNeil's engrossing, three-hour documentary "Do You Speak American?" which airs at 9 p.m. Wednesday on WTTW-Ch. 11.

In the montage, Americans from Malibu to Maine speak the program's title in their own dialect. A Californian says, "Do you, like, speak American?" A woman from Cajun country in Louisiana asks in French, "Tu parles Americain?"

Hip-hop artists chime in, "Do you speak American, dawg?" Southern comedian Jeff Foxworthy asks, "Do y'all speak American?" A Spanglish-speaking TV host says, "Estas hablando American?"

MacNeil hosted the landmark 1986 documentary "The Story of English." "I'm curious to see how the language has moved on since then," he says as he signs on this time. "So I'm setting out on a journey now to see what's happening to English in the United States."

"Do You Speak American?" spends too much time showing MacNeil driving from place to place and too little time actually listening to the everyday speech of Americans -- and it uses the terms "language," "dialect," "accent" and "slang" interchangeably. Still, the program provides some wonderful snapshots of American English today, and it proves MacNeil's point that our language is "restless, slangy, constantly changing and ever more informal."

MacNeil begins in New England, where "r's" disappear from the end of such words as "car" and "store." When the British started dropping their "r's" in the early 19th Century and developing what we think of as the BBC accent, East Coast cities, through travel and trade, adopted some of its features -- though the resulting accent turned out sounding less like Alistair Cooke and more like John F. Kennedy.

MacNeil continues through Times Square in New York City, with its flashing advertisements and news and stock market messages rolling by on electronic "zippers." The city's financial, publishing and media might, MacNeil says, make it "the global capital of the English language."

But the global capital's distinctive accent -- "noo yowak" -- is one few Americans associate with sophisticated speech, an irony MacNeil overlooks.

Article continues after the jump:

Language "wars" get special attention, especially the intense rivalry between prescriptivists and descriptivists.

The first group insists the role of English teachers and writers is to prescribe language, instructing people to follow the rules of Standard English at all times. Descriptivists say English isn't static, so all anyone can do is describe the language as it changes and adapts to different settings and time periods.

New York magazine critic John Simon is solidly in the prescriptivist camp. The failure of today's speakers of American English to follow traditional rules means the language "has gotten worse," he laments to MacNeil. "It's been my experience that there is no bottom, one can always sink lower, and that the language can always disintegrate further."

Embracing slang

Jesse Sheidlower, North American editor of the Oxford English Dictionary and an avowed descriptivist, doesn't buy it. American English, in all its variety and flavor, he says, "has always taken great pleasure in its slang. You can find even Walt Whitman writing in praise of slang in the 19th Century, about how wonderful it is and how poetic it is, and how this is the American spirit distilled into language."

(Simon retorts that Sheidlower and his lot are "a curse upon their race.")

 

Anxiety about language change is nothing new, says Dennis Preston, linguist at Michigan State University. He tells MacNeil, "There's a kind of American linguistic insecurity which is very, very old."

On the one hand, we consider British English to be more elegant than ours. "On the other hand, there's American populism and a desire not to be stuffy, not to be too correct," he says.

What is considered correct, Preston says, is the Midwest accent. Linguists refer to that region as the inland North, and it sets the standard for the "normal" pronunciation of American English.

Allan Metcalf explains how this came to be in his superb overview "How We Talk: American Regional English Today" (Houghton Mifflin, 208 pages, $14). In that book, he credits English professor John Samuel Kenyon with helping to shift the perception of standard pronunciation away from the East Coast and closer to Kenyon's native Ohio. In his 1924 book "American Pronunciation," Kenyon, not so modestly, divided American accents into "Southern," "Eastern" and, for his own region, "General American."

However, that influential Midwestern pronunciation is showing changes over time. In a fascinating segment, linguist Bill Labov plays audio clips to demonstrate a phenomenon he calls the Northern Cities Shift: Short vowels have started to become longer in the mouths of many Midwestern speakers. The word "block" has begun to sound like "black"; "bit" resembles "but"; and "Ann" can sound like "Ian."

"Is it fair to say," MacNeil asks, "that North Americans are, in different regions, growing further apart from each other linguistically?"

"I think so," Labov replies. "It's hard to believe. Everyone says to us, we all watch the same radio and television -- how can that be? It's a very surprising finding."

Americans also maintain a remarkable ambivalence toward accents -- the Southern accent (or accents) in particular. On the one hand, Americans tend to admire the emotion and sincerity they associate with the Southern accent. On the other hand, they often hear it as a sign of inferior intelligence.

Foxworthy, the comedian who popularized "You might be a redneck" jokes in the 1990s, doesn't mind being a punch line. "I think Southerners really don't care that Northern people think that [the accent sounds unintelligent]," he tells MacNeil. "Some of the most intelligent people I've ever known talk like I do."

But Foxworthy has some fun with the stereotype. "Nobody wants to hear their brain surgeon say, `Al'ight now, what we're gonna do is saw the top of your head off, root around in there with a stick and see if we can't find that dadburn clot.'"

West Coast factor

After looking carefully at how the Eastern Seaboard ceded its influence on American English to the Midwest, MacNeil mentions only in passing a more modern trend: how the West Coast has emerged as an important language influence.

Today, American English increasingly takes cues from California ("I'm all, like, `As if!'") and Latino dialects such as Spanglish and Chicano.

In particular, the linguistic melting pot of Los Angeles is a cause for alarm to prescriptivists and other purists who fear Spanish will displace English as America's common tongue, but linguist Carmen Fought assuages these fears.

As with European and Asian immigration, "It's still the classic pattern that the first generation born in the United States often will retain the home language, but by the second generation born here, the home language is very often lost," Fought tells MacNeil. "If anything, it's Spanish that's in danger."

"I think there's variations of speaking American," TV and radio personality Steve Harvey tells MacNeil. "You have to be bilingual in this country. And that means you can be very, very adept at slang, but you have to be adept at getting through a job interview." 

   Copyright © 2005, Chicago Tribune    

It Was Happy

My older son asked the younger one and me out for what he called "brunch" this afternoon to Eggcentric, a kinda nifty-looking breakfast-and-lunch only place--and he sprung for his brother too, though he balked when Chris tried to order a salmon/egg dish.  (My spouse had to work, but did the bouquet of roses thing and cards. Flowers are nice but I like 'em best outside, growing--no complaints though--again, the gesture trumps.) Best part by far was sharing a meal out with my two boys (it was a yummy avocado, bacon and cheese omelet and "your-choice-of" stuff). For many years my oldest son gave me nothing--really nothing--he'd skip the day entirely--and it wasn't because I was a bad or neglectful mom. So this year was really nice. It wasn't extravagant (in terms of the meal out) but the gesture was lovely. It's nice when we treat one another "extra" specially sometimes--I think it brings out the best in us.

Mothering

The past 72 hours of my life have revolved around taking care of my youngest son, as the flu that's taken hold of him runs its course.

The first 24 hours was the toughest for both of us--with him enduring a skull-splitting headache, raw throat, fever/chills, and occasional nausea. Day and night, he needed something almost all the time, be it more ice for the cold cloth that he kept on his forehead, more grape Kool-aid (the "only" thing he drank), another blanket 'cos he was cold, more Motrin, help getting to the bathroom because he was dizzy, Push-ups (like sorbet on a stick) for his sore throat--did I mention fetching Kool-aid and ice? I've got that practically down to a science. Oh, and then there was Raven, our dog who wanted to stick to him like glue, sometimes by walking across his supine body on the bed. This was accompanied by groans of discomfort from my son. Yes, groans of discomfort or discontent have been what I've had my ears tuned in for-- and there have been plenty of them.

The good news is that though he remains bedridden, save for a residual (improving) raw throat and some minor relapses, he is on the mend.

He's napping now though earlier he was trying to catch up on missed school-work. There's much work in the accelerated program, therefore lots of work was sent home yesterday.
He wants very much to go to a Duel Masters Mall Tour in Chicago on Sunday so he's motivated (to the degree his illness allows) to put a dent in the school work.

If we go to the Hawthorne Mall tomorrow it will be "we," as Dad got bombarded with work this weekend on his second job. I usually try to avoid malls. Scratch that. I always avoid malls. Only under duress can I be forced inside one. So then, if he's up to it I will break my no-mall rule. (Yes, I know, "What a good mom.") ;)
My reasons for disliking malls are myriad--suffice to say the Scot in me doesn't care to pay mall prices and the neurotic in me hates the crowds.

So how am I? I'm fine. I've dusted off my "Yoga" book by Christine Brown. I like it because of the many good-sized photos of stages of poses and the descriptions are easy to understand. I keep it open and use it to make sure I'm getting the details of the pose right.

It's also helping me from getting all panicky that I can't swim for a month (due to the college pool closure and my pool not opening 'till the end of May). There are several reasons to be concerned about getting proper exercise--I feel better, stronger. My heart likes it too apparently, given that my most recent cardiac stress test showed the best "numbers" that I've had in 5 years.
But, equally important is my struggle with body image issues. If I work out, I can eat more. Not gobs of food--but by the same token I don't have to worry about the occasional food indiscretion. If I'm sedentary, it all goes to fat, as evidenced my winter gain.
During this past Christmas and Spring break, the pool was closed for weeks and I didn't make yoga or anything else a daily activity--plus I did like the bears and ate more. I totally think it's normal to gain some weight in winter but I exacerbated it by slacking with exercise. I can't stress about it--I just have to be active and make food an only moderate daily issue. Moderate in that before I eat, I think about what I'm doing. No mindless stuffing of the face. In that mode, emotionally I'm a train wreck about to happen. Yeah, I eat out of crazy emotions--hard for most guys to understand--lots of women get it though.

So for me it's like puzzle pieces. If I sort them and fit them together, all is well. And I build on my successes, feeling more confident--but when I slip, I fall hard and getting back up is difficult, so I work hardest on keeping an even keel. Boring, if it weren't what helps me to keep my act together on several fronts.

Today is another cold (40's), overcast day. Because of my caretaking duties and my husband's schedule I have not been outdoors (other than letting the dog in and out) for three days. The weather hardly seems to be calling me, but the greenery that is popping up and out is a hopeful sign of things to come.
On that note--hope--I'll end.

Get Happy! (Personal)

I'm still in "coast" mode--maybe because things (deadlines, commitments, and fun stuff) are really going to accelerate soon and I'm in denial.

Tomorrow we shall paint the Easter eggs we cooked today-- it's a family ritual that doesn't seem to ever get old. I have fun with it.
I do up Easter baskets as well--I guess until someone tells me to stop I'll keep at it.

Okay, what's really on my mind is selfish stuff. We have to go to my husband's family's home for Easter (my parents live in Maryland--so we don't see them much) and I have a really rough time at big gatherings like that.

I have one sib--my bro--so I grew up in a home with four people total--and we moved here to the States and left all my Canadian family behind--so we were pretty much on our own. Add to that--my primary family, including me, is socially maladjusted. I'm really grateful that both my boys seem outgoing. I'm a frelling hermit crab--just want to crawl into my shell.

Okay, something positive. I need Easter shoes and am going to have my youngest son accompany me to mall tomorrow--didn't get it done the other day. I've had a huge struggle with anxiety all my life and going to a big, crowded place like that makes me feel all squirrelly inside. It's always better with someone along, and my son really digs the mall experience. Maybe we'll stop at one of those decadent, overpriced little Cinnabon-Mrs. Field's type places after we complete our mission.

Hmm. That wasn't so positive.
I'll try again tomorrow.

I :Heart: The Sun (Personal)

I'm really busy with off-line life, atm. We had a kickass great sunny/windy day today. I rode my (zinc yellow, not red) pony car  with her top down , to McHenry County (near Wisconsin's border with Illinois--sort-of) to visit my friend and get to my hair cut. Actually, driving from here to there and back (again)--then around some more--I can  honestly say I worked on a little patch of "tan"' on my arm. I :heart: the sun--as we all should (in a sun-block and hat wearin' kind of way). I've not had much on-line time of late, because of the Comcast cable connection plus the "D-Link" router and our two XP'd Dell computers not playing nicely together. This meant dealing with much funkiness from both desktops, plus off-line commitments--fun, work, & generic stuff-'ya-hafta-do, and it's given me time to ponder. (Don't worry, I didn't "think too much," as I'm a woman and that might lead to depression .) Anyway, I'm thinking that the Internet can be quite a candy store and having our fix unavailable...was an interesting period--definate up & downsides. I haven't been in writing mode--so I'm going to post some pics instead--a Pic of the Day will go up...I have a couple of nice ones to share.

Actor's Studio 10 Questions

Borrowed from the kinda fun weekly American teevee's Inside the Actor's Studio interview of a name-brand actor. There's a segment where each guest is asked 10 questions (originally compiled by Bernard Pivot). These are my answers.

1.) What is your favorite word?
Yes.
I like to get my way.

2.) What is your least favorite word?
War.
Needs no explaining.

3.) What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Nature-- beautiful sunsets, the rustle of the trees in the breeze, snowflakes. Natural bodies of water (rivers, lakes, oceans). Rock formations. A starry night. A sunny day. The desert and its life. Fresh meadows and lush greenery.
All these things make me feel cleansed and more alive.

4.) What turns you off?
Constant bitching. To me it speaks of having little or no joie de vivre.

5.) What is your favorite curse word?
I'm trying to get away from saying "fuck," so I'm attempting to learn some UK slang as it means little in the States. Feck instead of fuck. Sodding instead of damn, etc. But yeah, it's still mostly "fuck."

6.) What sound or noise do you love?
Sounds sappy, but little kids laughing. 

7.) What sound or noise do you hate?
The telephone ringing!

8.) What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Professional photographer (big surprise, heh.)

9.) What profession would you not like to do?
Sales clerk. The "public" is a four-letter word.

10.) If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Come in. All the loved ones you've ever lost are here waiting for you.

Todays word of the...

Welcome to my site!

Between The Lines

Last night (or more accurately this morning, as I keep a vampire's sleeping schedule) I spent several hours perusing the archives of a blogger whom I've only known of for a few months.
In that time, I've read of her continuing emotional and financial recovery from the dissolution of a relationship of nearly a decade.
The writer has not detailed what happened that caused the relationship to founder, so in hopes of gaining perspective I went searching though her blog's archives to get some background.

One sentence.

That's what she wrote initially and for some time thereafter of the break up.
What she did write of in a rather profuse manner was of virtually drowning in food and drink--an attempt she later acknowledged, at getting though this bleak time. Her writing during this post break-up period to be charitable, was unremarkable. She alluded to having often been either hung over or drunk when making some of the entries so this sums up the why of it pretty neatly.

The writer I know of--the writer of the present--is easily among the best of the bloggers I've read. Her writing is of a caliber far beyond that of many scribes who are regularly published in books or magazines.

So in reading of those dark days, I was rather surprised that despite having had so much material for her blog, that she used none of it. Only months later did she write in an overt way about how much she didn't reveal of herself--ever.
This acknowledgment came within an entry that mentioned the emails she'd received in the previous months. Some of her readers made allusions to her being a "party girl," while others looked deeper, connected the dots, and saw that she was in great pain.

Thankfully, the writer seems to be past the worst of her recovery from becoming single again.
Having waded through so much of her documentation of her life, I feel I "know" her better. She seems more vulnerable--there's less bravado (though her kind of bravado must be read to be appreciated). I know more of what she wants me to know.
Though I lack her sharp writing skills, we do have in common a desire to not document the depths of our psyches and only apologetically do we offer the mundane details of our lives. Sometimes I wonder if I'm shortchanging myself by not exploring my feelings in more depth. I've come to the conclusion that what I write is within my comfort zone.
And I strongly concur with the writer--one only reveals as much as they wish--the blank spaces are for the reader to fill in.

Trust Your Gut

Always, Always, Always, trust your gut.

It's the forum issue again.
I had a feeling it might be a rough fit and I'll be darned if it's not coming true. (Not the forum itself but the surrounding interpersonal issues).

I blame my mother. She taught me to be extremely independent. I take directives (but not directions) poorly. I was raised to be in charge of my life. And I'm not a game player, though I can do quite well as a team player.
My big ol' flaws have come to the surface.
Perhaps I should withdraw some from a situation that is bringing out the worst in me. Reassess and reconsider what path I should be on.

The Sum Of Our Parts

For a number of reasons I am rather particular about with whom I choose to communicate. These reasons may not stand up to what is most honourable, emotionally healthy, or parent-approved, as I can be as mixed-up as the next person. I have an awareness of most of my "issues," but not all. When trouble brews in real life or on-line though, I can be fairly certain that one or more of my issues will be brought to the fore. It's rather humbling to face ones shortcomings, even more so to state them publicly, so I shan't go on at length. I am insecure, vain, reactionary/hot tempered, and have a large, fragile ego. When I bump heads with another female with similar characteristics there tends to be major warfare, hence I rarely associate with women like me.  There was a time that I worked mightily to banish these traits. Ultimately I achieved only temporary success. I came of age in the eastern U.S. in the 1970's. The first half of that decade was essentially an extension of the  60's--same war, same president, pretty much the same vibe in the counter-culture as there'd been in the late 1960's. The Woodstock festival is a good, short-hand way to illustrate the counter-culture stereotypes of the late 1960's. One of the prevailing themes of the original Woodstock was "be mellow, love your neighbour, peace out, man." I strove to embrace these values as the country moved into the 1980's and I moved from my teens in Connecticut into adulthood in southern California. I embraced them for as long as my contrary nature would allow, then I gradually began allowing the above-mentioned traits to show their ugly visages. Alas, we are not "traits;" we are the sum of our parts. Oftentimes, on-line traits tend to bubble up to the surface and overshadow the person as a whole. This is mostly due to the limits of the medium. So the point of this post? I'm not entirely sure. I think it has to do with getting in a snit over who did what to whom, feelings getting hurt, ongoing vindictiveness and a desire to have it be over. To rise above the morass and go on to things that matter.

Put Out

Recently, I've come across a small handful of bloggers cataloging their scars, both within and without, in extraordinary detail.
It has reminded me of a simple exercise that I was asked to engage in as a post-graduate student of clinical counseling.

One way to ascertain a client's world view (or the color of the lenses through which she sees the world), is to ask her (or him) to recall some events that stand out clearly in her mind, that had happened to her before the age of six, as well as the emotions attached to them. It is most helpful if the client can recall at least five or six separate events.

The first event that I can recall took place during the summer I was four years old, as my mother and I were traveling in our red Austin Mini from our home in a Toronto suburb, to the family cottage in the Haliburton Highlands -- a trek of about 140 miles. At some point in our journey, my mother became so annoyed with my incessant chatting that she stopped the car and put me out at the side of the road-- a remote two-lane highway edged with thick, forested hills with huge walls of granite in the places where the highway had been carved out of the countryside.

I remember being very cross with her, and I also quite clearly recall hoping for a policeman to come along, as I would flag him down and boy, would she be in big trouble.

In fact, I don't recall any cars driving by in the 20 minute period that I first stood then sat alone on a boulder, about 20 feet back from the side of the highway. When my mother returned she got the quiet she wished for, as I seethed silently for the remainder of our journey on the hilly, twisty highway leading to the cottage.

An interesting point where her and my recollections diverge, is that I recall the period that she was "missing" as being about 2 hours. She says it was twenty minutes. I guess we'll never know, but I do think it's plausible that upon backtracking, she drove by me by a number of times not seeing me because I was mostly hidden by the groundcover. I may have wanted it that way to spite her.

Though the time frame may be in dispute, I recall the rest of this incident with crystal clarity from the time she put me out of the car, until we reached the cottage ("safety," in my mind). My most potent emotions were feeling rejected and feeling angry. My mother literally tossed me away and as the minutes went by, I felt quite sure she would never return.
So what piece of my world view did I begin to acquire all those years ago?

Fear of rejection and fear of anger and avoidance of both, whenever possible.

This is just one incident, hardly enough to explain who I am or how I arrived at this point, but in continuing the exercise, other facets of ones personality can become quite clear. This little exercise is not meant to sum up ones life story. It is simply one of many useful tools to better understand oneself.

Edit: There seems to be a sturm un drang vibe to this post. Actually, another possible outcome of this experience was my steeliness or mettle. I may appear a softie at times, but when the chips are down, I've got a lot of strength in reserve. I think I'll blog about another childhood memory that is more positive, to give this a bit of balance.